A Trippy Trip into Scientology

THE PERSONALITY TEST

My sister and I were hanging out on Melrose Avenue just killing time when we saw a sign we’d passed a hundred times before. It was for a free personality test in the little scientology annex. We decided to try it out, our car still wasn’t ready.
When we entered we were greeted by a super touchy-feely white man with wide blue eyes. His energy felt cool and sticky to me. The test took about 35 minutes, the evaluation was even longer at an hour and a half. They gave us our results in separate “counseling” sessions where they told each of us that there was some hidden sadness that was holding us back from achieving our greatest heights.
Before leaving this counseling session, they tried desperately hard to get us to commit to doing extensive sessions auditing to help deal with our issues. I asked to see and keep my personality chart and that I would think about it. Though he was really trying to hide it, the man became irritated with this request. He said he can’t give them to me.
“Why not, they’re mine?”
“Actually, they belong to us.” He answered. “It’s just policy.”
“Well that’s just stupid.” I retorted. “Can I at least see them?”
“No.”
“Well now I really don’t trust you.”
“If I let you see them will you sign up?” He asked.
“If you let me have a copy I might sign up.”
This banter went on for another 15 minutes or so. I definitely wasn’t signing up for something if they wouldn’t even let me see my own personality test. Eventually, he got up and made me a copy. I won!
When he came back he wanted me to sign up, since he did something for me. The auditing sessions were too expensive for me anyhow and I told him that was a big part of it. He tried to convince me that it was an investment for my spirit and that it would pay off for me. He gave me his personal testimony on how much it changed his life.
“So you guys only offer salvation for those who can afford it?” I challenged.
“Well, it is more of a donation for the time and effort we put in here.”
“But donations aren’t mandatory fees.” I continued the argument. “And I’m not going to commit money I already don’t have for something I don’t even know I like.”
Eventually I was able to wear him down; I got a trial audit session for a nominal $5 fee. My sister did not sign up, but she grabbed a copy of Dianetics so we could look into it more. She thought I was a bit crazy to sign up for anything; I wasn’t so sure she wasn’t right. At the time we were engaged in a joint effort to find truth.

AUDITING

Auditing is the Scientology practice recalling a traumatic experience and dealing with it in a more rational frame of mind, in the present, in order to become “clear.” The reason one would want to be “clear” is so they can reach their full potential. Scientology basically says that through out your life you have created “engrams,” or blocks, that are keeping you from living a life of full spiritual awareness and physical power.
The session is kind of like Catholic confession, only instead of an anonymous booth you close your eyes and hold onto this E-meter that is supposed to measure your resistance and help the auditor to find where your “engrams are.
You begin the session by counting backwards from ten in order to relax you. Then you begin telling the auditor your traumatic experience over and over again, in greater detail each time. It feels a lot like a police interrogation, it’s not pleasant or warm, but very pragmatic. You are to tell the same story until you “feel joy in telling it.” This joy is indicated by smiling, even laughing, rather than the sadness or anger you may have expressed before.
The next step is to pick an event that was similar to the first and do the same thing. When you reach that point of joy you are done. Then the auditor asks you a few questions that eventually lead to that the events weren’t your fault. When you come to grips with that and forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself the auditor then asks you to clear the trauma from your ‘soul’ by stating out loud that you renounce the hold it has had on you. You count forward to ten and open your eyes.

WHAT I TOOK WITH ME

I never went back for another session, but I can’t say it wasn’t beneficial in some way. I actually hold that this auditing serves as a good psychological exercise. Since then the issue I chose to deal with hasn’t affected me as much as it used to. I think that was L. Ron Hubbard’s original intent anyhow. From what my sister and I read in Dianetics, he never meant for Scientology to become a religion, just a self-help system.
The man at the center called me for a few weeks following my session. No doubt this was more to get money out of me. The last time we spoke I politely told him I wasn’t interested in joining the church, it just wasn’t for me. I’ve had to go to their big event center on several occasions for performances and every time I feel creepy when they come at us saying how they like to help performance artists and we should talk. More than anything it’s there forceful ways and slimy feeling I get that turns me off. I find myself using the auditing process on my own now. I am able to get a clear perspective on how things go down, I find that beneficial. The only difference is that sometimes I find that my trauma is entirely my own fault.